*Loved Lately*

Stepping Back & A Short History of Good Stuff

Dear lovely readers,

Today I am writing to tell you that I’m going to be pressing pause on talking about the continuation of my IVF journey for a little bit.

When I started writing these letters, my intention was really to show you it all and do so as I experienced it. But after the heartbreak of our first embryo losses and the stress in the ongoingness of this process, I realized why so many people keep their reproductive journeys private. Loss is hard, y’all. It’s even harder when suddenly there are many, many people who have access to what is essentially an immensely intimate experience.

As writers, we sometimes forget that the journeys our readers take with us through our work affects them too. We forget that once someone knows something, it kind of becomes theirs in addition to being ours. When I teach poetry workshops, I always remind the participants that once your work goes out into the world, it’s not entirely yours anymore. The way a reader interprets a poem or relates to it, morphs the work into something else, something imbued into that person. Now, obviously my reproductive journey is mine, but because I have been sharing about it here, some folks to feel really connected to my story, to my journey. While I am glad that folks are finding this journey, relating to it, and that it is helping others in the infertility community feel seen and held, it is also hard for me. Because mine is an evolving story in real time, the connection that some readers may feel might lead them to want more information and sometimes sooner than I write/share about it. Sometimes it puts me in the awkward position of saying, I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about this.

Who gets access to our information and how does that access to us affect our lives? I struggle with this question a lot in my personal life because I choose to only share the deep, private, hard stuff with a very small group of people. I confide in a few close friends, my parents, my therapist, and R. And that’s it. When I started writing these letters, I didn’t really consider the conduit of access I was creating between the reader and my most intimate and challenging experiences. I didn’t think too much about how openly putting some of my most painful moments onto the internet for anyone to read might feel. Outside of this Substack and with that small group of people mentioned above, I usually don’t want to talk about our IVF journey or infertility because I am so much more than just this thing that is happening right now. My life has so much more going on than just this incredibly long and tedious experience. Humans are quick to affix labels to ourselves to help us categorize, decipher where we belong. But sometimes those things completely envelope and overtake us. And it’s easy to forget that we are more than one thing. I am more than this infertility journey. There are so many elements and activities that go into this complete and well-rounded person.

All of this is to say that I’ve realized recently that I need to honor the voice inside me telling me that *right now* this whole experience is for me and R. Only us. I will keep writing about it all in my journal and eventually, I will continue sharing the continuation of however this IVF process turns out on here again. But for a bit, I will honor the introvert in me and pause talking about whatever lies ahead on this journey.

That being said, I do still plan to post IVF-adjacent letters to y’all on this Substack.

Today I want to infuse some joy into this Substack and my writing. My lovely, talented, and amazing friend

Kaia Preus

has this fantastic Substack in which she often offers her readers a honest look at life, and one of my favorite of her offerings are the things she’s been loving lately. I love her and I love her lists. They always help me reflect about all the good things that are going on in my life. She cultivates joy in her writing and her sharing. Her letters have inspired me to do one for myself. I also want to do this instead of only looking at how hard and challenging and frustrating infertility / IVF is. Yes, it is hard. And yes, we can also share our joys, our happy moments, and the things we love. So Kaia, thank you for your big, wonderful heart. I am gonna try and do the same here today.

At some point in future Substack letters, I will share some behind the scenes stuff about the nuts and bolts of managing care through the IVF process. I’ve wanted to do this since I started writing these letters, but never got around to it. I think talking about the mountain of paperwork and pre-appointments I had to accomplish before even starting the egg stim, and then the details of insurance, the medications I used - including having to price shop and when to order them, dealing with the different prior authorizations, and timing everything can be really helpful information for anyone about to go through IVF and anyone curious about the process. There are also other topics about the IVF process that I want to share about (re: healthy habits, weight gain and body image, and exercise), so I will do that as I can going forward.

All this being said, thank you for being with me. Thank you for giving me the space to go through whatever is next for us on this road privately. Thank you for your patience and support. I look forward to sharing more when I can.

Now, let’s talk about good stuff!!

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Things I’ve Loved Lately (in no particular order)

• Beastie Boys

I’ve been a Beastie Boys fan for longer than I can really remember, but these past few years my love of them has shot through the roof. I can’t really explain why this resurgence happened or why my taking so much joy in their music recently has been so strong, but it’s like a damn wave. If you somehow, have missed out on their hilarious, fantastic, complex, Entertaining-AF music, do your-silly-ass-self a favor and go have a listen to them. Songs that bring me a particular level of joy: “Intergalactic”, “Too Many Rappers” with Nas, “Flute Loop”, “Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament” (one of my top five listened to songs last year), and “Sure Shot” (and special mention: “Cooky Puss” cause I worked Carvel as a teenager and the song tickles me to no end). Albums of note for me: Hello Nasty, Ill Communication, and Hot Sauce Committee (pt. 2). This immensely-talented trio were such a unique group in the world of music. They stayed friends, no one blew out on drugs or alcohol, they loved - and I really mean they F***ING LOVED - making music together. Their songs are funny and imbued with this joy, sarcasm, and a goofiness that is just so special and unique. I am also reading their book and just god damn it’s so good (and wonderfully hybrid and non-linear), 10/10 would recommend.

• Water with a slice of cucumber, a splash of lemon juice, and a couple ice cubes

HAVE YOU TRIED THIS? I mean I realize I might be a bit late to the party, but DAMN. The whole act of it. Slicing the cucumber nice and thin. Splashing in the lemon, watching it mix and dissolve into the clear liquid. Letting the ice cubes gently topple into the glass. It’s so satisfying. The taste is refreshing and lovely. It makes me giddy. Like I’m at a spa or something. Fancy has never been something I’ve been comfortable with in my life, but as I’ve gotten older, I’m trying to embrace this idea of giving myself really nice gifts (which are not always expensive!), like fancy water.

• Sandals

I grew up about fifteen minutes from the Atlantic Ocean and spent all of my summers - until I went to college - at the beach. I’ve never been big on shoes, but I am not into being barefoot either, so sandals are the most perfect compromise. In fact, I like them so much that I will wear them as soon as humanly possible in the spring and LATE into the fall. Pretty much I live in one of two types of footwear: sandals or boots. And like, running shoes (Altra) when I am exercising. I have super high (feet) arches and the Birkenstock Arizona sandal is absolutely perfect for me. Plus Birkenstocks were my Bubby’s favorite sandals as well. They also last FOR-EV-ER. They are very comfortable and make my summers that much more enjoyable. I bet the next time you see me, I’m still rocking my sandals (even with jeans, even through Halloween - I do draw the line at snow though. Once it snows, I’ll be in my pull-on boots).

• Kimbra

I guess music is my biggest focus lately and I’ve been a Kimbra fan since she first floated onto my radar with this YouTube video (do yourself a favor and watch it). I was dumbfounded by her talent, her vocal range, the way she manipulated the sampler with EASE, and her general style and presence. Over the years, I have enjoyed watching her continue to create unique and beautiful music, to evolve her music in her way while still magically retaining the something special that made what she creates so unique. You know how Spotify likes to do that whole “year end summary” of music you’ve listened to? Well Kimbra was the TOP of my list. I listen to her and Beastie Boys more than any other artist by leaps and bounds (well, okay, besides Blind Willie McTell and Nina Simone. What? My tastes are eclectic). But Kimbra is so talented, her lyrics are so interesting, and her music is just phenomenal. SHE ALSO HAS A SUBSTACK.

Kimbra

makes her internal thoughts so accessible and it’s so cool to experience that with a modern artist, to get that insight, that perspective, that intimacy. She’s a real gem and I love her work. Finally, I just love music. I’ve talked a fair amount in these Substack letters about my love of so many different artists and bands. My love is far reaching and I’m always listening to something. And it’s always filling me with joy.

• Drawing and Painting

I know it’s clear that I’m a writer, but did y’all know that art was damn near my minor in college (for the record and y’alls amusement, my major was Sociology, not Creative Writing)? Well, it was. I love art (thank you Mom for cultivating this in my young life) and I love making it too. When I was younger, I worked really hard to be able paint in the realism style, but it never quite took. I do, however, excel in abstract, in the weird, in the unnamable. For my last birthday I got a whole bunch of new paints and in my spare time (hahahahah, what is that) I try and sit down to draw or paint. I recently found this 4’x6’ abstract painting I did in college (2005-ish) and titled “a stingray in the morning in New Orleans.” It’s so fun and funky and wild(not pictured below). I love art and I rarely share that side of myself, so here’s some pictures of my art:

I also love collecting art. There is a LOT of art in our house. I have art in the house from Carolina Fullerton, Kaia Preus, Octavio Quintanilla, Danielle SeeWalker, (soon) Nya Jones-Abudu, and more. And obviously, art on my body by Le Brit. Check out the artists above and get some of their work to fill your walls (or body) with joy.

• Working Out

In college, I joined the Warren Wilson Women’s Basketball team and got my first real jolt of what it meant to be athletic. Before then I’d exercised here and there, but it was not even close to the focus of my life. We’d do sprints on the court and a bazillion training drills and every night I would be completely exhausted from how hard I worked earlier in practice. And I loved it. When my friend Kaity joined the team, she got me into running as an addendum to the training sessions with our coaches and that changed everything. Running hit some note deep inside me. It unlocked something that made exercise make sense, made it fun. It wasn’t just about being fit or supplemental training for basketball, but this ethereal feeling of HELLLLLLL-YES. I loved being out on the trail, pushing myself against the soil and sunrise. As time went on, some exercise routines stuck (running) and others fell away (basketball), and new ones arrived (rock climbing and lifting).

Last year I was struggling with plateaus in my fitness and chronic injuries and so I decided to find a gym. You know when all kinds of things come together perfectly and you can’t help but feel like the decision in front of you is a sign, that it’s the right choice? Well, that is what happened to me with Uplift Boulder. I tend to prefer to workout alone most of the time and wasn’t sure if I would like the class style workouts that Uplift offered. But on a recommendation from my tattoo artist friend, Brit, I decided to give Uplift’s “Launch” program a try. From the first moment I sat down with Coach Jena and started talking goals and fitness, I knew this was the place for me. Since then I have found a true community (something MANY gyms (lifting and otherwise) try to cultivate but just miss the mark so hard on) in the kind and super fun members, the world-class coaches, and the fantastic programming. I never knew that I would look forward to going into a gym so much, but there I truly do.

[If you are a local Boulder/Boulder-adjacent area person and are looking for a friendly, safe, supportive environment to train in, I cannot recommend Uplift highly enough. It is light years ahead of any other training facility in the area, with the BEST coaches, and everything that they offer is truly the top notch. Give yourself the gift of becoming the best version of yourself with their tender help.]

These days I tend to lift three days a week, I run two or three times a week or use my elliptical whenever the weather is bad or I can’t get outside, and do yoga and climb sporadically. I exercised throughout this whole IVF process (yes, even when I was bloated or feeling awful) because movement makes me happy. If I am able to use my body, to push it hard, even just for like thirty minutes a day (who I am I kidding, I always workout for at least an hour, it’s me time), I am just a little more able to handle whatever life is throwing at me. For some folks it’s Don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee. For me, it’s Don’t bother me till I’ve done my workout. So if you’re looking for me for the next few months, I’m probably at the gym or on the trails, exercising and loving it.

• My dogs, Finn and Zuzu

These goofballs are biggest lights of joy in my day-to-day life. Rarely will I make it through more than like ten minutes without one of them doing something to make me laugh or smile. They are my old, little babies and I love them with my WHOLE DAMN HEART. Here are some photos of them because they are absurd and adorable and just the best. I mean come on, just look at their faces! Just look at those eyes! They are the sweetest little babes I’ve ever met. Having dogs changed and saved my life. I’d not even be close to the person I am without them. They taught me so much in caring for another life, how to be patient and gentle, and responsible. In October, Finn will be eleven and Zuz will be ten, and I’m still dumbfounded that I get to be their dog-mom, that we’ve had so much time together and hopefully will have so much more. Three cheers for my two favorite puffs!!!

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I think I’m gonna leave off here.

I love a great many things, but this is a really nice little smattering of stuff that makes me happy and has made me happy lately. I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope you can take some time today to think about the things that you love, that bring you joy.

Till next time, with light and love.